6 Signs You’re Not Country

Dear Men of the World,

It’s come to my attention lately that it’s now trendy to be country. While I don’t claim to know anything about what is “trendy,” I do know something about what women like me want (or rather, don’t want) and what goes through our minds when we see guys trying too hard.

So, if you find yourself on this path of redefinement, here are a few tried and true ways to ensure the first word that goes through our head when we see you isn’t “DOUCHE.”

#1: Skinny Jeans

In no world have skinny jeans ever (I repeat, ever) been considered “country.” I don’t care if that’s what Luke Bryan wears (hint: Luke Bryan isn’t cool and his music sucks). There is not a single person on earth that looks good in skinny jeans, male or female. Additionally, I challenge you to actually DO WORK in skinny jeans. Visit a working ranch and the closest thing you’ll find to skinny jeans are Wrangler Cowboy Cut (which are acceptable, thank you King George). If you can’t find bootcut jeans somewhere, you’re not looking hard enough.

#2: Nashville Country

If you take us on a first date and the song on in your vehicle features an exacerbated southern accent and lyrics that a toddler could’ve written, don’t expect a second date. If you argue with us that Florida Georgia Line is the “best country band ever,” do not expect a second date. If you can’t name a single Chris LeDoux song, don’t know the lyrics to “My Hometown” by heart (or who the hell Charlie Robison is), don’t find your foot tapping along without notice to “Sallisaw Blues,” haven’t gone down the Zach Bryan YouTube rabbit hole and liked what you found, and can’t appreciate the sheer genius that is James McMurtry, do not expect a second date. Educate yourself. Be better.

#3: Jacked Up Truck

Don’t get us wrong, there is a time and place for super swampers and a 47″ lift but real life ain’t it. If your truck can’t haul a trailer without a 26″ drop hitch, you need not apply. Real women want real trucks that can do real things – not some impractical bullshit that is clear compensation for other shortcomings.

#4: Facial Hair

Let’s get something straight – a little stubble is sexy. A tidy beard is sexy (i.e. Rip Wheeler). However, you start approaching ZZ Top status and you’ve lost us. The minute that shit starts collecting food and saliva and smelling like old socks, you’ve lost us. And unless you’re Sam Elliott, you’re not pulling off the mustache so let it go.

#5: Fitness & Function

Most men make the mistake of thinking they need to be cut or jacked to find a mate and that’s simply not true. Real women appreciate functional strength. Can you unload a semi trailer of hay? Can you split wood (with a maul) and stack it? Can you fix a leaky sink? Change a tire? Find out why our check engine light is on? We don’t give a shit how many squats you did, how far you ran today or what you bench. We want to know you have worth beyond your pecs.

#6: Boots

Quick and to the point (HA!): Pointy (snip) toed boots immediately tell those of us who are country that you aren’t. Don’t be a poser, buy square toed boots. You’re welcome.